God, I don't remember anything about what I played

I'm going to need you to take my word for it that I like video games. The proof could be in the hundreds of columns or the decades of spending money that ensures I'll never have a home or the experience of actually working on games. But this can be! I did a podcast last week – high praise if ever there was one – and one of the hosts was talking about Sonic Adventure.

I said I liked the game and then realized to my horror that I probably couldn't answer many follow-up questions because I couldn't remember anything. In fact, I realized that I don't remember anything about what I played.

I remember (almost) nothing about the video games I played

Okay, maybe “whatever” is a bit dramatic. But you clicked on the title! Still, it's wild how little I remember about games I played years ago. Some classics are complete memory gaps. Thing is, I played Sonic Adventure on the Dreamcast when it came out! I beat the game. But I swear to God I have nothing for you.

You could tell me Sonic decides to become an insurance fraud investigator and I'd be like, “That doesn't sound good, but I'm probably wrong.” It's just not there. Oh, I remember having a good time! I've since bought the game again and played a few hours here or there, but other than that – totally empty.

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This has nothing to do with quality or preference either. The Final Fantasy series is one of my all-time favorites. And, yes, the games I played a lot – the first, 6, 7, 9 – I remember quite well. I understand! These are there as long as people don't ask too many questions about the late game quests. But there are Final Fantasy I games absolutely loved and I don't remember most things about. Final Fantasy Tactics? Brilliant! Thunder God Cid! Religion! Everything is different Memento.

I recently replayed the Final Fantasy 4 remaster and realized that, outside of the broadest, I had almost nothing on my mind about this thing. If you asked me to describe the story before replaying the game, I'd say a dark knight becomes a paladin who then meets dwarves and then goes to the moon to fight someone for a reason. It's kind of true, but if you said “name a city” I'd be like “Mysidia?” and then you'd say, “Okay, name a city other than the one that's been in a lot of games.” No answer.

This is not the worst problem you have. I really enjoyed experiencing everything I forgot about in Final Fantasy 4. It's cool to experience something again and again in a weird, slightly worrisome way. But at the same time, it really feels like it so many people can remember all about the games they played decades ago! For example, some of you folks may refer to Skyrim's obscure and deep characters and their exact daily patterns. It makes me sad that I can't!

I can definitely pull random things from memory, but I feel like I remember more facts about games than information about what happens in the games themselves. Obviously, it has a lot to do with playing the same game over and over again. Sonic fans probably know Sonic Adventure better than I do because they've finished it multiple times since 1999. However, I still feel like a fake. It's like in a movie when someone lies about having a girlfriend in Canada.

Again, this is not a big deal. No one gets hurt by it. Just ashamed. I mostly play single player games where the characters are programmed and written to think they are a competent person. And it's not hard to read a wiki to catch the finer details of a game.

However, it's strange that I've spent hundreds of hours playing StarCraft, but maybe I can tell you two things that happen during the solo campaign. It's annoying that I remember most of Chrono Trigger but hardly any of Chrono Cross – even after halfway through the remaster. My brain has almost no record of Grand Theft Auto 4 outside of “depressing world” and “even more depressing comedy club”. I took days off work to play this! There were no distractions!

This isn't completely limited to games either. I was saying that Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood was one of my favorite novels. All I remember now is that someone is called the Snowman. I think so. I'm not going to look for it. I couldn't tell you anything that happens on The Sopranos outside of the big moments that everyone talks about. Heck, The Matrix Resurrections came out recent and… i don't know. An intense cafe scene? A train? Neil Patrick Harris?

As I said, one of the keys here is to read, watch, and play things more than once. I really understand that. And I also understand that it's silly to complain that I feel like the Men in Black are using a neuralizzator on me five to six months after I finish something. Everyone has much worse problems, and the gambling industry has much worse problems. It's just a little frustrating. And to be clear, it's up to me. It is clearly a qualification issue that is my fault. I've even started keeping notebooks to help me remember the biggest moments of the games I play – though god help me if I have to figure out what the hell I was talking about later.

Maybe I need to stop stressing about what I do and don't remember for the sake of public approval and have fun. Maybe I need to be more present and focused when experiencing art. Maybe my brain is just broken. I should play Sonic Adventure again anyway.

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